17th December 1273 - Sheb-i-Arus

“When I die
when my coffin
is being taken out
you must never think
i am missing this world
Don’t shed any tears
don’t lament or
feel sorry
i’m not falling
into a monster’s abyss
When you see
my corpse is being carried
don’t cry for my leaving
i’m not leaving
i’m arriving at eternal love
When you leave me
in the grave
don’t say goodbye
remember a grave is
only a curtain
for the paradise behind
You’ll only see me
descending into a grave
now watch me rise
how can there be an end
When the sun sets or
the moon goes down
it looks like the end
it seems like a sunset
but in reality it is a dawn
when the grave locks you up
that is when your soul is freed
Have you ever seen
a seed fallen to earth
not rise with a new life
why should you doubt the rise
of a seed named human
Have you ever seen
a bucket lowered into a well
coming back empty
why lament for a soul
when it can come back
like Joseph from the well
When for the last time
you close your mouth
your words and soul
will belong to the world of
no place no time” —  Rumi

Saudade

You may have crossed this path I'm standing on... I felt you in the fresh mountain breeze.
Did you notice this bush with white flowers and that tall pine tree?

Did these mountains take your breath away? Did you think of me as you sat under the night sky and watched the stars?

I wonder if you missed me...

Every moment that I could, I took it all in. Hoping that the air I breathed had touched your skin.. its the closest I can come to being with you. To being complete.

"A mountain holds an echo deep inside, that's how i hold your voice." ~ Rumi

Puppy Love

Growing up there always was a dog at home. My first dog came into our lives when i was in the 3rd grade. He was called Bossy, after a canine character my dad used to tell me storeis of. Since we moved around a lot, it helped that there was at least one old friend, no matter where we went. From Nagaland to Gujrat to Rajasthan.. he came a long way. Then came Bozo, Teddy and Sasha.. Each of them have a special place in our lives that no one can take.. and each left a void that no one can fill.

I want Ayaan to have his own pet once he is big enough. Or is it just that i miss having a dog around.. i dont know.. Anyhow.. this sunday, we went to a canine retreat in Khandala, to spend a day away from the city and to spend time with some puppies. It was such a delight to watch Ayaan chase sparrows, try and climb a guava tree, pluck a chikoo, eat mulberrys and rose apples fresh from the bush.. he got all muddy when the sprinklers came on, but my city boy was so happy and pleased with himself :)

He was doing everything at his own sweet pace, till Don and Kaalia,the boisterous 2 month old doberman puppies, ran out and took charge. It was a riot when Ayaan and the pups all went after one tennis ball. :) I was happy to see that he wasnt scared of them, though he made it clear he dint like their cold wet noses touching him :) after a lot of running around, barking, cribbing, and ball tossing all three of them had lunch (in seperate bowls) and went to sleep.

It turned out to be a great day! I am really looking forward to the day when Ayaan gets his own wet nosed companion. There is nothing like the joy of having a constant friend, someone who will share your blanket, chew your shoes, listen to whatever music you are listening to, go for walks, laze around, use you as a pillow, some one to take care of.. there is a lot that a child can learn from just having a pet... like loyalty, responsibility and how to have fun; but more importantly, if you fall down.. get up, shake it off and give it another go.

The Holy Dip

According to the Hindu religion, a dip in the Ganges is supposed to free the soul and absolve one of all past sins. It is not like i have sinned... well i have...i mean... who hasn't? But thats not what i want to write about...

Anyway, there is something i want to purge myself from. So after days of pondering, i decided to take the 'Holy Dip'. What is it that i want to be free from? Well, I want to get rid of everything that takes the needle to the far end of the weighing scale (Just how far the needle goes is not open for discussion).

And so this morning i went to the pool and the first thing i let go of, were my apprehensions. The last time i went swimming, i was in the 9th grade and i could do five lengths at a stretch. Today, i managed to do two breadths and spent most of my time playing with Ayaan (who took to the water like a duckling:D).

After an hour of splashing around, he came out happy and i came out feeling happy, tired and lighter - mentally. And somewhere deep inside i felt a little proud of myself for shedding my inhibitions and just doing it. It may not be as Holy as the Ganges, but i believe that the little swimming pool in my building is just what my body and soul need.

Nature's Poetry

Flowers… I like flowers. They are beautiful symbols of life, fertility, and love. Its amazing how as an entity flowers are used to express different emotions. People buy bouquets to add color to their homes and offices, as a token of love to others, to brighten up an ailing person, to bring peace to a departed soul or just to feel better themselves.

The different colors and varied fragrances have a way of bringing about a smile on the recipients face. A smile like no other, a mix of contentment as they breathe in nature’s potion of life and pure visual pleasure at the array of colors. It is also the thought that someone carefully picked and matched a bunch of flowers with you in mind…like putting together a string of words to form a perfect sentence that expresses ones innermost feelings. A red rose if accepted is taken as a sign of reciprocated love, the sight of a discarded bouquet speaks of a broken heart. A flower truly is an expression of life which everybody celebrates in their own ways…

The delicate petals have inspired many a poet, and countless beauties have been compared with the daintiness of the blossoms… the softness of skin, the redness of lips, the tenderness of a touch, the sweetness of a kiss... the similes are unending. I do remember old hindi movies where a blossoming flower would imply the consummation of marriage. And in real life, a white rose is a sign of peace, yellow rose for friendship and red for love.. or so we believed in college. :)

My favorite flowers are orchids. They may not be fragrant, but when it comes to beauty...ah!! i love the quiet sensuality a single stem of orchids can infuse into a room. They seem to speak of unspoken promises. I feel happy when i see orchids.In fact if i were a flower i would bloom right then :)

"The Earth Laughs in Flowers"
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

3 - 0

Its not a scoreboard..thats my age. Two days ago i turned 30. And to make matters worse, Amit is out of town. I'd been dreading this day eversince i got to the wrong side of 25.. but i dint think id have to face it alone.

But here i was on the eve of my birthday, sitting alone on my couch thinking about the life gone by... the good, the bad and the oh-i-so-want-to-forget-it times. I missed my early twenties.. the fun, the carefreeness, the casualness, the parties, the adventures.. i miss how i used to look back then... things just seem worse when there is no icecream to accompany the thinking. I wont be able to tick the "Age 25-29" box while filling up forms anymore. Arrrgggh

And then the phone rang. Dimple, my best friend, called and sang "happy b'day". It was midnight and it felt good to hear her being silly on the phone (she also sent me flowers and chocolates later that day :)). A few more calls and i went to bed feeling not-so-bad. Early morning there was a very sweet message from a friend, the kinds that just brighten up your day...and hmmmm.. if its starting out like this, then it shouldnt be THAT bad.. isn't it. More calls, messages and emails came.. and suddenly..just like that... i realized.. i wasnt alone. old friends, new friends, school friends, work friends - i had company the whole day thru! people kept calling and messaging.. i wasn't alone. :)

A very dear friend, who knew about my thoughts on turning 30, wished me by saying "Apna, you are 20, with 10 years experience". He is a funny one. But what an uplifting way to look at it :) i was ready to take on the world right then.

This blog is the first step im taking towards rediscovering myself. I may not get my old waistline back.. but boy am i going to give getting "old" a fight! And as girish said.. 30s are much better than 20s not just because you are more mature but also because you are not that lost, you know who your real friends are..and you know what you really like.

I am liking this being 30 thing. Its been two days and i can still feel the positive energy around me..i love the friends i have. i love my little family. and when there is so much love.. things can only be good. I guess one has to be out of the twenties to see the world from this perspective. The view is good from here my friend.