The other day i got a message on whatsapp. It came with a big heading "Every wife must read this". I was expecting another one of those silly husband-wife jokes, instead what i got was this:
"Love him when he orders you to make tea or coffee. He wants to feel fresh to listen your nonstop talks.....
Love him when he tells you to look after the kids..he wants you to be a good mother. ....
Love him if he looks at all the beautiful females. ...he is just checking that you are still best.
Love him if criticize your cooking. .he is still improving his taste.....
Love him if snores at night and disturb your sleep. He is trying to prove that he is the most relaxed person..
Love him if he wears funny clothes ..he is just trying to look younger
Love him if he forgets to give you gift on your birthday he is saving money for your future. .. Love him ..you don't have choice!! "
I was getting angry as i read through, and by the time i finished, i was mad. MAD. Just the thought that someone spent time and thought on this ridiculous message and had the audacity to forward it... arrgh. and it was being passed on...by women!!
The first time i got this (yes there was a second time) I wrote back asking how could a self respecting mother of two forward such a demeaning message? I dint send it though... instead i took a deep breath, re-wrote my reply and sent her this: " I am sure a middle aged perverted guy wrote this message. a perfect excuse to be rude, lazy, irresponsible and inconsiderate. Don't change, just convince the woman that she has no choice but to love him." I added a "lol" just to tone it down.
And then, i got the same message, from another mom.
I want to know what is wrong with us women? How can we accept such a message, such a disrespectful, male chauvinistic chain of thought? And why are we passing it on? Indian women don't have it easy. Our patriarchal society teaches us that men don't cook, do the dishes, take out the garbage, do laundry or buy groceries. Some of us, of course, may have maids (again, a woman) doing these for us, but the point is, we grow up with a clear demarcation of what girls can and cannot do, likewise for boys.
My teacher once asked me "Apna, has no one ever told you that girls don't whistle?" ( a friend and I were just trying to whistle out a popular tune) Why? I wanted to ask her. Why? But i kept shut.
That was years ago. and it angers me that a decade and a half later, we are still passing around such messages, using technology to reinforce the archaic thought that men are superior and women should be grateful to even share the same space, doesn't matter that he treats you like furniture.
Imagine a wife gathering her courage to talk to her husband about his rude behavior. Or his inconsiderate ways. She gets a message like this and you get a crack of self doubt - right in the middle of her platform of confidence. Because someone is reinstating that she has no choice but to love him. And because most probably the person sending this to her is a woman.
Indian women are dependent on their husbands. Maybe not financially, but socially. Divorce is still frowned upon, and remarrying is an inconceivable thought if you are a woman. So basically, if a couple does get divorced, the man still has chances of remarrying with full traditional honors. But the woman will most likely spend her life as a divorcee and if in the rare chance that she does remarry, the wedding will probably be a facade of the actual ceremony.
Women are still told to compromise - "log kya kahenge" (what will people say) is the foremost concern. It is ingrained in our sub conscience. We are taught to put our husbands needs before ours. Think about the children first. Think about the family honor. The society. You have to dress a certain way, talk a certain way - can't do this, can't do that.
All this angered me then, and it angers me now.
Does being a woman take away your right of having a good night's sleep? What if she was the one the who snored, would the husband keep quiet? Would the husband not mind if she started checking out all the hunks in the neighborhood? Then why should she? Why tell her to shut up when she wants to stand up for something? Why tell her to love him if he treats her like dirt? Why?
Yes, make tea/coffee for him, but not as a slave. There should be no ordering. Make it because you want to. He is has a wandering eye, talk to him. If he doesn't listen, give him a taste of his own medicine. If he doesn't like your cooking, in spite of you making all possible changes; ask him what he would like better - to take a cooking class himself or go live with his mom. If he forgets your birthday,- no big deal, gift yourself something nice and show it to him. Be independent.
Marriage has to be 50-50. Not the 50-50 where you cook, he eats. He makes a mess, you clean. But the 50-50 where you both cook, and eat together. You do the dishes, while he folds the laundry. Take turns taking out the garbage.
And please, please do not pass on messages that push us deeper into the patriarchal muck. Go ahead, forward something funny, or positive. Not this.
And remember, you ALWAYS have a choice.
Love him when he tells you to look after the kids..he wants you to be a good mother. ....
Love him if he looks at all the beautiful females. ...he is just checking that you are still best.
Love him if criticize your cooking. .he is still improving his taste.....
Love him if snores at night and disturb your sleep. He is trying to prove that he is the most relaxed person..
Love him if he wears funny clothes ..he is just trying to look younger
Love him if he forgets to give you gift on your birthday he is saving money for your future. .. Love him ..you don't have choice!! "
I was getting angry as i read through, and by the time i finished, i was mad. MAD. Just the thought that someone spent time and thought on this ridiculous message and had the audacity to forward it... arrgh. and it was being passed on...by women!!
The first time i got this (yes there was a second time) I wrote back asking how could a self respecting mother of two forward such a demeaning message? I dint send it though... instead i took a deep breath, re-wrote my reply and sent her this: " I am sure a middle aged perverted guy wrote this message. a perfect excuse to be rude, lazy, irresponsible and inconsiderate. Don't change, just convince the woman that she has no choice but to love him." I added a "lol" just to tone it down.
And then, i got the same message, from another mom.
I want to know what is wrong with us women? How can we accept such a message, such a disrespectful, male chauvinistic chain of thought? And why are we passing it on? Indian women don't have it easy. Our patriarchal society teaches us that men don't cook, do the dishes, take out the garbage, do laundry or buy groceries. Some of us, of course, may have maids (again, a woman) doing these for us, but the point is, we grow up with a clear demarcation of what girls can and cannot do, likewise for boys.
My teacher once asked me "Apna, has no one ever told you that girls don't whistle?" ( a friend and I were just trying to whistle out a popular tune) Why? I wanted to ask her. Why? But i kept shut.
That was years ago. and it angers me that a decade and a half later, we are still passing around such messages, using technology to reinforce the archaic thought that men are superior and women should be grateful to even share the same space, doesn't matter that he treats you like furniture.
Imagine a wife gathering her courage to talk to her husband about his rude behavior. Or his inconsiderate ways. She gets a message like this and you get a crack of self doubt - right in the middle of her platform of confidence. Because someone is reinstating that she has no choice but to love him. And because most probably the person sending this to her is a woman.
Indian women are dependent on their husbands. Maybe not financially, but socially. Divorce is still frowned upon, and remarrying is an inconceivable thought if you are a woman. So basically, if a couple does get divorced, the man still has chances of remarrying with full traditional honors. But the woman will most likely spend her life as a divorcee and if in the rare chance that she does remarry, the wedding will probably be a facade of the actual ceremony.
Women are still told to compromise - "log kya kahenge" (what will people say) is the foremost concern. It is ingrained in our sub conscience. We are taught to put our husbands needs before ours. Think about the children first. Think about the family honor. The society. You have to dress a certain way, talk a certain way - can't do this, can't do that.
All this angered me then, and it angers me now.
Does being a woman take away your right of having a good night's sleep? What if she was the one the who snored, would the husband keep quiet? Would the husband not mind if she started checking out all the hunks in the neighborhood? Then why should she? Why tell her to shut up when she wants to stand up for something? Why tell her to love him if he treats her like dirt? Why?
Yes, make tea/coffee for him, but not as a slave. There should be no ordering. Make it because you want to. He is has a wandering eye, talk to him. If he doesn't listen, give him a taste of his own medicine. If he doesn't like your cooking, in spite of you making all possible changes; ask him what he would like better - to take a cooking class himself or go live with his mom. If he forgets your birthday,- no big deal, gift yourself something nice and show it to him. Be independent.
Marriage has to be 50-50. Not the 50-50 where you cook, he eats. He makes a mess, you clean. But the 50-50 where you both cook, and eat together. You do the dishes, while he folds the laundry. Take turns taking out the garbage.
And please, please do not pass on messages that push us deeper into the patriarchal muck. Go ahead, forward something funny, or positive. Not this.
And remember, you ALWAYS have a choice.
